Surfing the Emotional Core

Sometimes, being very aggressive and harsh with yourself is a very important way to create change. Interrupting thoughts, emotions and patterns that you find harmful can be very powerful.

But creating change in this manner won't reduce your stress, tension or anxiety. It won't bring you lasting peace and joy. This requires delving deeper into your emotions.

Oftentimes, on my path towards health and vitality, I made my biggest steps forward after coming to terms with a deeply painful memory or experience.

I was feeling angry at myself for getting healthier. If I could get better NOW, then why didn't I do that sooner? Why couldn't I be there for my grandmother when she was sick and dying in the hospital? Why couldn't I make it to her funeral? Letting myself feel this anger, sadness and profound sense of loss helped me to take a big step forward in my healing. (When typing about this experience, years later, I just began crying a bit. These powerful and raw emotions are part of yourself --  and you must accept them and let them express themselves, in order to grow and develop as a person).

After my parents divorced, we moved away from all my friends. We moved to 'the big city' of Mankato! I was scared and confused. I didn't know how to make friends, I seemed to screw everything up, and I was angry. Very angry! I would cry in school, and get made fun of for it. Sometimes I'd get shoved around a bit (because I clearly deserved it, I was showing weakness). I learned to put a giant wall up around me, I learned not to show my emotions. I also learned to become incredibly self-critical about any mistakes I made. A mistake meant that I was showing weakness, and allowing myself to be hurt and embarrassed by others. I was a very angry, frustrated, confused and depressed kid. Coming to terms with this experience, and this pain, was a big step forward in my healing. I learned to stop blaming myself so much for making simple human mistakes, and I learned to open myself up to the people around me.

In short, I learned to stop fighting myself quite so much. (I'm not perfect at this, but I'm trying! :) It's one of those lifelong journey sort of things).

If you're busy fighting yourself, then you're going to have a very hard time healing or creating lasting change in yourself. You're spending enormous amounts of energy just battling inside your own head.

Your emotions aren't something to be fought, or ignored, or rationalized away. They come from the core of your being.

Your emotional core is an integral part of your being. It is, fundamentally, YOU. Spend some time with it, in isolation and silence, and let your emotions speak to you.

But don't dwell there too long. Maybe ask a friend to pull you out of the cave if you refuse to leave. Live's about living and doing, not processing what came before.


Originally written on 2013-12-11